


Trying to Remember How It Feels to Have a Heartbeat

by ThatsALotOfLove



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mild Angst, POV Alec (3rd Person), but only briefly, post 2x18, spoilers for 2x17 and 2x18, the others are mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 22:03:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11723475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatsALotOfLove/pseuds/ThatsALotOfLove
Summary: After the discovery made at the end of 2x18, Alec feels that he owes Magnus some information.





	Trying to Remember How It Feels to Have a Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> I warned in the tags, but I'll do it here again just to be sure: Here be spoilers! This story addresses key plot points from 2x17 and 2x18, especially in regards to Malec, but also some others.
> 
> That said this is not even really speculation about what might happen next episode. It's really more some wishful thinking with a side of hopeless self-indulgence, so it will likely be canon divergent once the episode comes out and as such shouldn't be spoilery for 2x19, but who knows. 
> 
> The title is from Harry Styles' Song "Two Ghosts". I feel like the song (together with its counterpart "Sweet Creature") fits Malec quite well right now.

Alec lowered his hand with a sigh, dropping his head against the cool wood of in front of him, determination draining from him like water from a broken glass. After they had figured out the true nature of Lake Lyn silence had fallen between them as the gravity of the situation really settled in. The four of them, an unlikely friendship group forged in the fire of the tragedies they had endured together, refused to be cowed by the weight of the knowledge they had acquired. That said, they were also smart enough to understand that he future of the Shadow World may very well be resting on their shoulders.

 

It was quickly decided that only a select few people could know about this, the Clave most certainly not included on the list. They did not need the Mortal Mirror for their day-to-day business and giving them the power of that knowledge could only end in trouble. The question of their Downworlder friends and allies was a far more difficult one. On the one hand the secret was safer the fewer people knew about it, on the other they all felt uncomfortable hiding something that could harm the Downworld in untold ways.

 

In the end they voted on the issue, and all of them agreed that they would tell their friends. It was a gamble, undoubtedly, but they knew they had to trust that their friends, especially Luke, Raphael and Magnus, leaders to their people though they were, would see the danger in making the location of the Mortal Mirror common knowledge.

 

Isabelle had volunteered to go speak with Raphael, and Alec, who the others looked to for leadership even now that he felt less worthy of it than ever, did not hesitate to agree. He trusted his sister to know what she was doing. And what was more, he knew that he could trust Raphael to have her best interests at heart, as much as it pained him to admit such a thing. Clary would go to talk to Luke and Maia and ask them to pass on the message to Simon. Jace had offered to go to Magnus, clearly very aware of the pain Alec was hiding behind his professional mask, as it was throbbing through the parabatai bond as if it was his own.

 

Back then at the institute Alec had thought nothing of declining and going to see Magnus himself. He felt that, after the events of the past hours and days, he owed Magnus at least that much. But now, standing in front of the door of a place that had begun to feel like home more than the institute ever did, he felt more out of place than when he was still in denial about so many things and it was breaking his heart. His eyes were stinging with tears that he refused to let fall and his breathing grew laboured as the events of the day, the loss he had only barely scraped past, and the one he’d had to endure in its place, no less devastating, caught up with him.

 

He couldn’t do it.

 

He pushed himself off of the door, a deep ache settling in his chest making his steps heavy as if he had aged a century in the past few minutes. Magnus still deserved to know, but there was no need for him to find out from Alec personally. No, it was better this way. He would send Jace, knowing that his parabatai would understand without having to ask and spare them both the pain. Yes, that sounded like a rational plan. His steps became more sure as he walked towards the stairs settling back into the role of the leader that he had been preparing for all his life.

 

But he didn’t get very far.

 

“Alexander?” an achingly familiar voice asked from behind him and for a brief moment he considered bolting, but he caught himself.

 

He could do this. He had asked Magnus, what now seemed like a lifetime ago, to separate personal and professional matters and it was only right for him to do the same. He was not here as Alexander, the person who’s heart belonged to the owner of that voice in ways he could not have imagined before. He was Alec Lightwood, Shadowhunter and head of the New York institute, here to inform an important ally of potentially game changing revelations. Even telling himself that it took a moment for his mask to snap back into place enough that he dared to turn around.

 

Heart lodged in his throat he steeled himself to turn around and meet Magnus’ eyes.

 

The warlock was dressed as impeccably as always, though his hair and makeup looked far more dishevelled than when Alec had last seen him. It brought him no pleasure to know that he was not the only one already suffering from their separation. He couldn’t hide the deep breath he took before stepping closer, and he could see barely hidden concern flare up in dark, guarded eyes. His words died on his tongue and for a moment he just stared.

 

“Alexander?” Magnus took an almost instinctive step closer “What is it? Is it Max? Did he relapse? What happened?”

 

Alec could cry. This was so quintessentially Magnus, heart too big and warm to ever be kept from caring about all those around him, always so willing to put himself aside for the needs of others. Which was what gave Alec the strength to muster an, albeit weak, approximation of a reassuring smile.

 

“No. No. Max is fine. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you like that. I just...” he looked around, feeling too much like the walls might have eyes and ears in all the wrong places. “...can I come inside?” he pleaded “I...I promise I will only take up a moment of your time.”

 

Magnus looked at him thoughtfully, astute eyes trying to read the lines of his body, the look on his face for any clue as to what was going on. Finally the warlock nodded and Alec felt more than saw some of the tension melt out of his frame. As soon as the door closed between them and the world, they both spoke at once.

 

“Alexander...”

 

“Magnus I...”

 

Alec’s heart ached at the hesitant and awkward silence that followed, a far cry from the laughter and whispered words of love that they had shared so often within these walls. Unable to deal with the emotions the memories of those times brought forth inside him he decided to push them away to focus on the mission at hand.

 

“Magnus... I know you probably don’t want to see me, and I know you said you had important decisions to make, but I wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t important. Trust me.” he didn’t even try to cover of the wince that followed those words, knowing it was futile, but he didn’t let it slow him down either “Clary tried to destroy the Mortal Mirror. As it turns out the item we found was not a Mortal Instrument at all.”

 

Magnus’ eyes widened in alarm, but Alec forestalled any interruptions with a wave of his hand.

 

“We know where the Mortal Mirror is though. It is safe. For now. We are sure that neither Valentine nor Seba-errr...Jonathan know of its location. Neither does the Clave, and for now we hope to keep it that way.”

 

He met Magnus’ inquisitive gaze squarely, hoping that the other man could understand what he was telling him.

 

“So then... who _does_ know where the Mirror really is?” the warlock asked quietly, stepping closer.

 

“We...umm...” Alec stuttered, unable to hide the way their sudden proximity affected him even now “We decided that any person who knows about the Mirror is a risk to its secret.” He took a deep breath “We also decided that the Downworld deserves to know. Or...” he smiled wryly “At least that it is not up to us to decide whether they do or not.”

 

There was something soft and bright in Magnus’ eyes at that, and Alec couldn’t bear to look at it, not if he was supposed to deliver his message before breaking down, so he let his gaze drift away from the older man towards the windows, the faint lights of the city the only thing lighting up the night under a cloudy sky. He cleared his throat.

 

“Clary went to talk to Luke. It's likely that Simon and Maia will also find out from them. Isabelle went to speak with Raphael. Whether or not they reveal the actual location of the Mirror will be up to Luke and Raphael to decide, but they will tell them that we know. Jace knows, too...he...he offered to come here and tell you, but I figured I owed it to you to let you know.”

 

“Is that why you were walking away when I found you?”

 

Alec didn’t dare to look at Magnus to check whether the teasing warmth he thought he could hear colouring his tone was reflected on his face.

 

“No.” he admitted, deciding that honesty had always served him best with Magnus, even at times when it hurt “I stand by what I said about owing it to let you know, but when you found me I had just realised that I couldn’t face you. I'm really sorry but I just... Couldn’t face what I had lost through my own stupidity. I was just about to call Jace to let him know that I needed him to tell you after all. I could have let Isabelle do it, but I think she would have wanted me to talk to you myself and while I suppose you would have preferred to see Clary over Jace I didn’t want to have to deal with her questions...or worse...her pity. It was selfish and I’m so sorry. But I promise you that I never once planned to leave you in the dark.”

 

Finally he looked back at Magnus, desperately willing the warlock to believe him, tacking on another soft "Sorry" just to make sure.

 

Magnus nodded slowly and while he wasn’t smiling there was a warmth in his eyes that Alec was terrified to give in to, but utterly defenceless against all the same.

 

“Don’t wear out that word Alexander. There is no need for it now.”

 

Alec swallowed hard, his turn now to search Magnus’ face and posture for any hint as to how this conversation was going. When the results came back inconclusive he figured he’d best push on, nodding in acknowledgement of Magnus’ statement.

 

“So...do...you want to know where the Mirror is?” he offered “I know that you said you have decisions to make as a leader and I understand that. I want you to have all the information there is when you do.”

 

Magnus regarded him silently for a moment and Alec forced himself to stay still, to meet his eyes steadily even as he felt like his heart was beating out of his chest. 

 

“I don’t need to know the Mirror’s location.” Magnus replied after a long period of silence.

 

Alec blinked, mouth opening in protest, but a finger raised to his lips stopped him.

 

“I do not know what Lucian and Raphael will choose, though I have no doubt that they will do whatever is best for their people. For my people however, it is only important that the location of the Mirror stays protected from those who would seek to abuse that knowledge. So no. I do not need to know _where_ it is. I just need to know that those who _do_ can be trusted to keep it safe.”

 

Alec felt like the air had been sucked out of the room as Magnus paused to look into his eyes almost pointedly, removing the finger from his lips. Instead of pulling away completely however he rested his hand on Alec’s shoulder, thumb stroking the side of his neck in a seemingly subconscious comforting gesture.  

 

“And _that_ I _am_ now sure of. I need nothing else.”

 

Alec desperately wanted to answer to that, to find a way to adequately express what those words meant to him, but he came up short. As it turned out however, Magnus didn’t need him to say anything at all.

 

“Thank you for giving me this choice Alexander.”

 

Alec just nodded, not trusting his voice.

 

“I truly appreciate it...”

 

A breath, and Magnus pulled away from him fully.

 

“...but there are still some things I have to do. Decisions that have to be made.”

 

He seemed far more regretful than grimly determined this time. But before Magnus could utter the cursed word that had fallen between them far too often recently, Alec shook his head and finally found his voice, though it cracked halfway through:

 

“Of course. I understand.”

 

Alec pulled his hands behind his back, straightening his posture to the parade rest stance that had been drilled into him ever since he was a child, to the point where it came naturally whenever he didn’t purposefully choose to change it. It also was his go-to stance when he felt insecure however, and he could tell that that fact was not lost on his...on Magnus.

 

“I need...I need to get back to the institute.”

 

“Look after yourself.” the warlock said softly, and Alec nodded.

 

“You too.”

 

xxXxxXxxXxx

 

On his way to the loft Alec’s heart had grown heavier with every step he took, each one a grim reminder of what he had lost. On his way back to the institute his steps were heavy as the exhaustion of the day caught up with him, but his heart was lighter than it had been since Magnus left after finding out about the sword. Things between them were not fixed, but they also weren’t irredeemable.

 

They _could_ come back from this, find their way back to each other like they always had.

 

And Alec would do everything in his power to make sure they _would_.

                       

 

**Author's Note:**

> So...that's that. I haven't actually published any of my writing in ages, but this idea wouldn't let me go and this collection is a convenient opportunity to post stuff so here I go. 
> 
> I have tried to keep them both in character as much as the plot of this permitted. I know Alec might seem a bit more emotional than usual, but he just almost lost his baby brother, did "lose" the love of his life and is a leader to an antagonistic group of people in the middle of a rising war with tensions skyrocketing on all sides, so I will cut him some slack. There is a Magnus side to this story, but I'm kind of on the fence about that so I don't know if I will end up publishing that. 
> 
> This was written in one sitting and while I tried my best to proofread it it is not betaed, so all mistakes are definitely my own. I very much hope you enjoyed the story anyway.


End file.
